CSA Journey: Dear Little Me
It’s really weird me telling you that you will be okay… you are probably wondering what planet I’m on, as I know you don’t think it’s possible right now.
You want this cycle to stop. You want these things that are happening to you to stop. You want people to know what he’s doing and what he’s really like. It will stop, it won’t – well not right now but you are strong enough and have been strong to battle on. You will do yourself proud, you will confide in people, just give yourself time to build up the courage you need to to do it.
You are going to feel alone at times. Really alone – but you will be okay. Your mind will feel like your greatest enemy at times – but you will be okay. You’re going to be more than okay. It will feel like no one understands how you are feeling, (you always struggle to find the words but we find them with the right people), but those who care will do their best to understand when you explain, you will work out who those people are. They will have patience with you, they will listen to you, they will comfort you and more than anything will provide you with the support you didn’t think you would ever get. Not everyone will understand and that’s fine because they don’t need to. You should only tell people if you are ready to and when you are ready to. Don’t feel pushed into a corner to explain how you are feeling, what has happened to you or what is going on – do it on your time, when you are ready.
You want to escape. You want to run away and never look back. That’s okay – you don’t need to though. In time you won’t be in Cambridge – you will move away and only return to visit. That suffocating feeling you have right now will subside. It won’t always be there – I still feel it now but it is nowhere near as bad as how it used to be. You will start to feel the freedom you need, it won’t be now – but it will come.
Something you will learn and that I am still learning is to not give in. You will get knocked back, you will lose your way but you’ll find it again – it happens to everyone – this doesn’t just happen to you.
I know the worst time of the day for us is the night time. Your mind will start to work overtime and as you get older you will get flashbacks and have nightmares. This will come and go, this isn’t because you are weak.
It’s important to know everything you are feeling is normal. You will have huge lows but give yourself time, and you will find a way out of them. Don’t struggle on your own – we are very good at not asking for help, I’m getting better but because you’ve been dealing with all of this on your own right now you find it hard to open up and ask for help when you need it. That’s okay but we do start learn to speak up before the problems gets too bad.
The future really is yours you will test the rollercoaster you are on at times but you will work things out and find the right track. Don’t push yourself too much if you’re not ready, it is not a race.
You will learn to love you both inside and outside. I’m still learning now but we aren’t nearly as self destructive as we were, as you will be.
Some people will react with surprise when you tell them what you have been through, some people won’t like that you can be so open and honest about it all. But that isn’t your problem – keep talking, keep being open… you’re helping yourself and you don’t know who else it is helping. To be honest what were they expecting to see from someone who has been sexually abused? (Yes I know you don’t like hearing it so bluntly – I still don’t, we’re working on that)
Keep believing in yourself, you’re doing great.
Love you… in the future – older but not much taller.
Ps. We have the best sense of humour!